Week XXII (355): Seeing Stars


Offer as first prize a baseball autographed by both Ty Cobb and Noam Chomsky, in the hope of attracting George F. Will.

Permit celebrities to append personal messages to their entries. Example: "What's going on in this cartoon is that a former SS guard is wearing a toilet as a hat! Ha ha! In my new movie I do not once wear a bra!" (Jennifer Aniston, Hollywood)

Encourage has-been celebs to use code to communicate with their long-uninterested agents, their true messages revealed in every third word of their Style Invitational entries. Example: "Call it crazy. Me, I say I'm always perplexed, even stunned when, willing or not, to any end, film creates not a gem but trashy rot: ad, infomercial, whatever, going for anything that depends on stupidity." (Harvey Korman, Hollywood) 

This Week's Contest was indirectly suggested by Cheryl C. Kagan of Rockville. Cheryl is a frequent entrant to The Style Invitational who this week earns her first ink. What makes Cheryl special is that she is a celebrity, a member of the Maryland House of Delegates. We looked her up in The Post's database, and found that she is actually the legislator who introduced and passed the bill outlawing tinted license-plate covers for motor vehicles. The way we see it, there's no reason The Style Invitational should not attract other big-name celebrities to our page. Why should Cheryl have to carry the whole burden herself? This week's contest: How can The Style Invitational do this? Tell us ways we can attract celebrity participation to the contest--either from celebrities in general or from specific celebrities. You can propose wholesale changes to The Invitational itself, or certain contests designed to attract the big cheeses. First-prize winner gets the Doodoo Doodler, a pen disguised to look like poo. ("Ergonomically designed, helps stop that pen-chewing habit.") This is worth $ 10.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen.

Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational LoserT-Shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the yet-to-be designed but soon-to-be-coveted "The Uncle Loves Me" T-Shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XXII, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, July 3. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the message field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

Report FROM WEEK XVIII (351), in which we asked you to come up with bad career choices.

We rejected one genre of entry, because it was too easy. Nice try but no cigar for those who proposed Lance Ito as judge, Michael Bolton as singer, George W. Bush as president, etc. Likewise, our compliments but no prizes to those who went for linguistic plays, such as Chris Doyle of Burke, who suggested e.e. cummings as a venture capitalist, or Roger Dalrymple of Potomac Falls, who proposed Bill Clinton as an internist.

* Second Runner-Up: Any member of the O.J. Simpson jury: Rocket scientist.

(Tom Witte, Bethesda)

* First Runner-Up: George W. Bush: Fig plucker. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* And the winner of the huge bag of crap:

e.e. cummings: NY POST HEADLINE WRITER!

(Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

* Honorable Mentions:

Count Dracula: Crucifix repairman. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A man with drooling problem:

Gynecologist. (Robert Oshinsky, North Bethesda)

Alan Greenspan: Laker girl. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Calista Flockhart: Wet nurse. (Robin D. Grove, Laurel; Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

O.J. Simpson: Host of "America's Most Wanted." (Bob Snider, Owings, Md.)

Shaquille O'Neal: Chimney sweep. (Chris Doyle, Rockville)

A nudist: Fry cook. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac; Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Pablo Picasso: Police sketch artist. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville; Joseph Romm, Washington; Russell Beland, Annandale)

Pinocchio: Professional poker player. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

Someone with an involuntary twitch: Symphony conductor. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

Big Bird: Film noir villain. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

Gallagher: Watermelon farmer.

(Bill Strider, Gaithersburg)

Wicked Witch of the West: Lifeguard. (Cindy Hargroves, Great Falls; Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Fran Drescher: The voice of Darth

Vader. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Any career counselor: Career counselor. (Shomon Shamsuddin,

Baltimore)

A one-armed midget albino: Mugger. ("Can I describe the man? Well . . .") (Russell Beland, Annandale)

A hysteric: Hostage negotiator.

(Mike Genz, La Plata)

Michael Jordan: President, Hair Club for Men. (Cheryl C. Kagan, Rockville)

A dyslexic: Directory assistance operator. (Russell Beland, Annandale)

Frosty the Snowman: Gynecologist. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

A hemophiliac: Rose pruner. (Russell Beland, Annandale)

Yogi Berra: Simultaneous translator. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

John Rocker: Closer, New York Mets. (Russell Beland, Annandale)

Cal Ripken: Temp.

(Steve Moore, Alexandria)

A hypochondriac: Hooker.

(Marc Tolerico, Herndon)

Superman: Kryptonite salesman.

(Roger Dalrymple, Potomac Falls)

A compulsive gambler: Secretary of the Treasury.

(John O'Byrne, Dublin, Ireland)

Kathie Lee Gifford: Mime. (Deborah Weisbrod, Woodbridge)

A bull: China shop proprietor.

(Scott Owens, Alexandria)

The Uncle: The Czar. (John Wildt,

Vienna; Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax; Jerry

Pannullo, Kensington)

* The Uncle's Pick:

The Uncle: The Uncle. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

The Uncle Explains: This is funny because it is ironic. On the one hand, the writer might be saying that The Uncle is not doing a good job at the small watchdog role to which he has been consigned. Or, alternatively, the writer could be intimating that The Uncle's talents are being squandered in this minimal role, and is subtly lobbying for a major change in the organization of the contest he loves.

Next Week: A Laff Riotf